Death

This afternoon I am sad.

I am thinking about the fact that I have a cancer that does not seem to be responsive.  It's too smart.

And I'm thinking about having to leave my daughter, and my son, and my husband.  Within a year?  Two years?  Five, I hope?

And all of you.

I know you will all be fine.  And that is such a consolation for me.

But today, I am angry and sad that I do not get to participate in the futures possible.  I am most angry and sad about not being able to participate in my children's futures.

And I sit in the sadness and I cry and...well, I drink a bit of red wine...  Because the next hormone treatment doesn't not react well with alcohol and chemo makes alcohol taste vile.

So I'm a bit maudlin.

But I'm not afraid of death.  I don't feel a need to control it.

That's not the same as giving up.  I am going to do everything I can to survive.   But I am surviving in order to be with the people I love...and to support them.  I am not surviving in order to avoid death.

But now, twice this week, some people are coming forward with some organization or some recipe or some diet that has AMAZING results with cancer victims.

I want you to know this...I think I can smell the fear of death.  And if you come to me with this fear of death and you tell me your answers, I will not listen to you.  I will be polite and I will respond well, but I can smell you.

I've been to where the fear of death can take you...and that is in itself, death.

If you come to me without a fear of death, with a love for life but an acceptance and openess to death, I will feel that, too.

We are where we are.  I do not judge anyone for where they are.

But I would ask you to ask yourselves...  Are you suggesting a "way out" to me because you have knowledge of a solid, reliable approach and want to share it?  Or are you sharing because you are even a little bit desperate to ward off.... DEATH?

I'm am not afraid of dying.  I love sleep.  I love my family and the idea of being with family or watching family in an afterlife.   And I have dreamt a connection with a being that exudes all flavors of love.     None of these options seem bad, to me.

My loss, is nothing, compared to the loss my children and my spouse and my friends will endure.

I mourn for you all and for myself tonight.