Thursday, October 30, 2008

Razor Day!

I had it all (shaved? shaven?) off.

I called my friend Ilona and left a message asking her to come up and shave it for me. But as I left the message, I got that choky-emotional hitch in my voice. So I decided to just go and walk into a hair salon and do it.

The stylist started by trying to convince me there were other options and I didn't have to shave my hair off.

"I came HERE because I do NOT want to discuss my decision making. I can just go now and have a friend do it if you can't handle it." I use my deep, dark, meany voice.

Leave it to me to pick a stylist who is a young mother of a 3 1/3 year old AND who just finished a year of weekly chemo-like treatments for Hepatitis C. Apparently the treatments she went through didn't work and she has to do it all again.

Holy crap.

But when the tears come to both her and her receptionist's eyes as I'm paying the bill, I get a surge of MEAN BREAST CANCER CHEMO WOMAN. I can feel my face settling into that stern don't-fuck-with-me-don't-even-talk-to-me defensive barrier.

I'm not ready to go home.

So I walk around the mall a bit. And then I go to a bakery. And to Starbuck's for a pumpkin spice latte. Then I come home and almost bite my husband when he tries to tell me I look good and wants to kiss me.

Then, I get over it.

We all got over it. Delphine gave a small sigh at the crew cut, but she thinks the hat is OK. Paul still wants hugs.

And I feel really really different -- but I still feel like I know the older looking, powerful, tall, athletic woman looking back at me in the mirror. She's definitely part of me -- and she deserves her turn as the physical representation of self.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Chapped lips

If you're not interested in gory, intimate body details, then stop reading.

The canary tuft of dark hair on my knee is hanging on.

But apparently I picked one tough canary, because the miners up on my scalp are falling fast. It's like watching the gentle start of an incoming snow storm.

I made a small sclupture out of the hair that has fallen on the desk, here, in front of my computer. The hair is rather sticky and naturally wants to weave together, so you can mold it into different forms.

I'll have Ilona shave my head tomorrow, after Delphine's class party. No need to shock the poor girl in front of her classmates.

I did a bit of shaving myself tonight. See, those mucuous membranes that get damaged by chemo? They are causing my mouth and lips to be quite dry. I'm suddenly in need of chapstick every five minutes. The reflux now hits the back of my throat a bit if I eat something too spicy.

The medical staff at the cancer center warned me about that.

But what they didn't warn me about?

Chapped lips.

And I'm not talking about the lips on my face.

I'm not sure if it's because of the chemo, steriods, or instant menopause, but the environment has changed dramatically down south and, well, things are...hmmm...SLICKER.

But chapped in spots.

And that's, uh, not very comfortable.

So when I saw the snow was falling a bit down there as well, I decided it was time to take action.

I do have to admit there's a bit of the mole rat look going on already. There's an eerie erasure of my sexuality. My sexual markers are so blurred out and vague I could be approved by Mattel as a children's toy.

But it's a bit exciting too. This is my final metamorphosis. I'm taking the form of she who will march this thing through to the end.

p.s. My white cell and red cell blood counts were normal yesterday. My platelets were low. So, I'm not anemic or at risk for infection!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm 56.1 years old!!

So yesterday I keep having these squeezy tight chest pains when I run or walk up stairs. For some reason walking up hills doesn't do it to me. I feel better when I drink a huge mug of chicken broth, so I'm theorizing I must not have enough blood and the fluid helps up my blood pressure. I have severe anemia. My heart is starving for oxygen. And yet, my body is feeling impatient -- it wants to go work out.

So I'm thinking, eh, something to ask my oncologist at my appointment today.

But then, at a Campfire leaders' meeting last night, I stand up to sing the "Mmm Hmm I wanna linger" song with everyone and get a wave of chest pain so severe it releases one of those internal "Oh fuck" reactions.

So when I get home I call my oncologist. I babble something about not-wanting-anything-nor-to-see-her-before-our-scheduled-appt-but-the-oh-fuck-chest-pain-is-that-ok-or-what-and-I'm-really-not-worried.

"A bit more than a week into your chemo? It's not your heart Suzy," she says, "Have you ever had reflux? You've got reflux."

I've never had reflux. How FUNNY.

Now that I feel I can eat and drink regularly, I've been trying to tea, fiber and probiotic-yogurt myself off of stool softeners. (I wasn't really planning to share that with everyone, but there it is.)

Yeah. Reflux.

I didn't even have to take a single antacid. I just stopped eating so wierd and, uh, yeah, the 'starving heart' symptoms stopped.

So here's the funny coda. My parents have both had early onset heart problems. Both of them have been told they had reflux when they were really dealing with multiple heart attacks and angina attacks. I comment to Francois "But mom was 56 years old."

So last night I take that 'What's your real age?' test they have on the web? (How to waste time when you don't have a TV.) And this morning they provide me with my results.

I'm 56.1 years old.

Yeah? Well who cares.

I look damn good. :-)

The canary is still healthy. In fact, I can't find a single hair that wants to come out, anywhere.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The canary is still breathing

Knees are still dark and fuzzy.

Hey, I realized I'm actually looking forward to losing all of my hair now. It's, well, the last BIG CHANGE. After that, it will be one long tiring walk through to the end. If I do radiation, that might be interesting enough to write about. But honestly, I'm getting bored with my cancer. My best friend Serena was here one weekend and asking all sorts of questions about upcoming cancer treatments. They were really good questions. Interesting questions. Not only did I not know the answers to her questions... I didn't care! That's pretty big coming from someone as self-absorbed as I am.

I'll probably stop blogging after my hair comes out and I make that whole fashion shift. I'm thinking there will be some funny stories to tell about living as a bald woman.

But then I predict boredom.

Boredom is perfectly fine.

But I don't think I'll blog it.

:-)

Suzy

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Tired Navel-Gazing

I took this glorious long walk on Thursday up to Delphine's school to help out in her class mask making party. It's a good solid 1 1/2 hour hike there. Takes about an hour to get back (downhill).

Friday I woke up feeling, well, wrung out. DeNova and I took eight Campfire girls to a corn maze after work. I felt good. It was great being outside and walking with DeNova. The girls were amazing. They found all of the stamps and earned a tiny pumpkin each.

In a mere ten minutes I cooked up a dinner, fed the kids, applied costume make-up and got them into the car for Boo-Bingo at our swim club. That's, like, my all-time best.

Boo-Bingo ended with some pretty strong cramps (and, uh, embarrassing FARTS) so I grabbed Francois in mid-conversation with our friend Peter, dragged the kids to the car and beat it out of there.

I was WORN OUT Friday evening.

Saturday I woke up feeling, just, lousy tired. An hour later, I felt great! I helped the kids with their pumpkins, made lunches -- and crashed at 1pm for a three hour nap.

I have this wierd cold where I suddenly have tons of symptoms and then, viola, I'm clear.

For awhile I thought I was allergic to this wonderful lotion I've been using to massage my arm and chest. (Thanks Melissa!!) So I stopped the lotion massage -- and my arm tightened up! ARrrrgghhh.

I'm an energy yo-yo. It's like my cell counts go down in spurts and fight their way back up, only to be slammed down again. I have no idea if that is what is really going on, of course. I'm probably just a whuss and using a few tired moments as an excuse to indulge in some navel-gazing.

I feel great. I can't wait to go on a long walk with Ilona tomorrow morning.

Have I mentioned that Diet Coke is the very best tasting drink I can find now?

When I get self-indulgent like this, I like to google cancer sites and read about myself. Seriously. There's no hope for me!!

So tonight for some reason I kept running into 'Survivor Profiles'. These are, well, like the super-athletes of cancer. These are the men, women and children who work full time, manage a young family, develop an interest in competitive ice-skating and write inspirational profiles all while dealing with nasty 12 month chemo treatments for stage III and IV cancers.

I think I'm very happy staring at my hairy knee, thank you. I love being a slacker.

And a big thank you to everyone around me who lets me just be a slacker. My life is very good because of all of you.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Emotional Billiards

Great day today, but long and tiring. Came home VERY TIRED after grading, updating my online site, swimming (YEAH!! I can actually SWIM now! I can do a modified front crawl, a full breaststroke, kick with the kick board, backstroke a bit -- but I tire way too easily.), teaching, conferencing and physical therapy to find... Francois and 3-year-old Paul at the front door.

Francois's car quit on him at BCC while he was picking up Paul. So he and Paul walked home. It's a 1 1/2 hour hike. Paul was tired and hungry. Francois was tired and stressed -- about his car and about his daughter, who was supposed to be delivered to us at 4pm.

Feed kid 1, track down and retrieve kid 2, find tow truck, retrieve car, husband now stuck at cardealership, call home for ride, kid 1 constipated on the toilet, order up neighborhood teenager to babysit pooping child, retrieve husband at dealership, walk teenager home, come home to 100 questions and comments from kid 2, snap at kid 2, kid 2 snaps at kid 1, kid 1 cries unconsolably -- probably because the cat isn't around to kick.

And all this while the friggin telephone is ringing OFF THE HOOK. TWELVE FRIGGIN MESSAGES??!!!

PHONE STRIKE!

Yank cord out of wall.

I'm done.

(But did you hear? I can SWIM now! I can move my arm almost all the way up!)

But I don't want to talk about it.

PPPBBBBLLLFFFSSSTTT.

(That's a big raspberry aimed right at you.)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Gnomes on my bones

Neulasta is a drug I take the Monday after Friday chemo treatments. It's supposed to keep my white blood cell count up. The side effect is bone pain.

The bone pain isn't that bad. But it's irritating.

It feels like very tiny gnomes are walking around on the surface of my bones with itsy-bitsy axes. Every once in awhile they just stop and slam their miniscule axe into the bone they happen to be standing on. Then they go on their way and find another spot. Tiny spots of pain that are constantly on the move.

For the most part, it's not too bad. The facial bones can smart. And then last night a whole group of them decided to have a party among the small bones in my feet.

My right ovary is a battleground. I'm thinking there must be some serious cell killin' going on down there. The microscopic infantrymen fighting it out down there have rifles. They're bloody noisy and messy. It makes for an
interesting mittelschmerz, that's for sure.

I still find I feel better if i keep moving. I've been walking, running, swimming and teaching. That all feels good. But sitting at the computer in longer than five minute spells is a bit uncomfortable. Not bad. Just uncomfortable.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Canary in the Coal Mine

I've plucked a few eyebrow hairs and had one haircut since my surgery, but beyond that I've been living on the wild side. Francois and I decided that the little tuft of dark hair growing out of the top of my kneecap can serve as the canary in the coal mine. I'll keep ya'all posted.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Suzy on Steriods...NOT!!

It turns out that steriods and me are like ADHD kids and ritalin. Friday I came home from chemo completely mellowed out.

See, they give you a steriod and one other anti-nausea medication intravenously before they dump the toxins into you. The steriods are supposed to make you anxious and sleepless, as well as non-nauseous.

I was sleepy by 6pm, asleep by 9pm and barfing at 3am.

I was taking all of my anti-nausea medication -- and on schedule too! I didn't feel that bad. It was, well, rather like having your body feel like it needed to vomit without feeling really very much stomach upset. You know, that achy face feeling that reaches back up your cheeks to your ears ..and then your mouth starts watering? I felt this little pull in the center of my diaphram that said "Don't soil the sheets -- Run NOW!"

After that I felt really good. Really. The tiredness I felt was a bit like watching a really good movie on a TV with a snowy image -- my body feels like it's working fine, but there's a lot of interference. It's a bit abrasive, but not too unpleasant.

My friend Serena, who was going to stay up with me all night and enjoy my steriod ride with me, went walking with me the following morning. My friend Ilona came along as well. Then my family and I went to a pumpkin patch for pumpkin hunting and hayrides. I came home and went to bed at 4:45 pm. I barfed at 10pm, after getting up and spending some time with the kids as they went to bed.

Today, Sunday, it's been even better. I get a bit nauseous if I lay down and try to do my stretching exercises for my arm. But almost any upright activity feels just fine. It's 10:30 and I'm tired like 'had a hard stressful day at work and didn't sleep well'.

My friend Ramona and her family made us this MARVELOUS lasagna. Every single person in my family LOVED that lasagna -- and it's already half gone! (It's a BIG pan of lasagna.) Everyone is a bit relieved to have the first chemo over -- my kids are feeling secure enough to make bets on whether I would be barfing the lasagna back up later tonight.

Well now the hair clock is ticking. I made people take pictures of me this weekend so I'll have some of this pre-bald state documented!

It's hard to believe I'll lose my hair in about ten days. Seems like killing off so many cells would hurt more or something.

OK...I've got to stop now and go knock on wood.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Spirits and Spooks

I went for a run this morning. I run now with the freedom and agility of a child.

When you channel a bit of fear and adrenaline into a strong, easy run -- it's ectasy. Your soul reaches outside the confines of your body -- as I jog, I can taste the cool wet bark on the trees. I can smell things living in the mud. I can hear the joy of the leaves blowing above my head in the wind.

***************************

So I come inside after my run, flushed and happy.

That lasts 30 seconds.

I immediately start patting down my chest and checking for bubbles or odd shapes. Am I swelling anywhere? Is anything leaking? Are there fluid bubbles under the skin anywhere?

After all, I (GASP!!) {{{{{EXERCISED!}}}}}}}

There's a BIG LUMP on my left side, at the bottom of my rib cage!

I make Francois come in and look at it. I make him feel it.

"Well," he says finally, "I guess I can see a difference, your sides are a bit asymmetrical, but maybe that's normal?"

"Let me look at you!" I urge.

He pulls up his shirt and sucks in his gut so I can see his ribs.

Blush.

Sure enough, one side hangs slightly lower than the other and give the impression of slightly poking out.

I've just not SEEN my chest since I was 11 -- and, uh, there's a lot of new unfamiliar territory!!

Geez! What are you all going to do with me??

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Hats and Make Up

I ordered my chemo hats and they arrived a mere two days later. When I tuck my hair all back for the bald effect, they actually still look quite nice. They are nice and soft too, so they should feel good on a freshly bald head.

I've been wearing eye make up for a whole week now. I found some paint by numbers eye shadow. Seriously! The box shows me where to put color 1 on my lid, where to color 2, 3 and 4. Then I dot a bit of eyeliner on to provide an impression of eye lashes.

I don't think I'm worried about being bald for six-seven months. But still, Francois' suggestion tonight that I ask a friend to shave off my hair when 'its time' made my lips curl back involuntarily -- you know, that tight gaggy feeling you get around your throat, eyes and mouth when you're cleaning up someone else's vomit? It felt like such an act would be as much an invasion as wiping my butt for me after a crap.

God! Get a load of me?! What an intense response!

So is my head of hair like some darth vader mask? My reaction brings to mind that scene in Star Wars VI where we get to glimpse the old Darth Vader in his pod, having his mask settled on to his head.

I'm going to have to think about this one a bit.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Brochure Junkie

A vaginal dilator. The American Cancer Society's booklet on sex and women with cancer spends 3 whole whole single-spaced typed pages on how to use it. "A vaginal dilator is a rod or tube, most often made of plastic or rubber..." (p. 43) Is this covered by insurance?? I think I've seen one of these before and it wasn't at the house of someone who'd had cancer! Apparently some women who use Tamoxifen end up needing to use it to treat the side effect of 'reduced vaginal size'.

Honey, I gave vaginal birth to 10 and 11 lb babies. I say BRING ON THE TAMOXIFEN!!

Cool booklet. It covers all kinds of cancer. Did you know you can get cancer of the vulva? (Get out your mirrors girls, this adds a whole new dimension to the monthly self-exam!)

Anyway, I found the sex brochure while I was looking for brochures on how to support your kids when you have cancer.

Those I've found seriously lacking. The storybooks for kids with a parent with cancer are underwhelming as well. The lesson for parents is "Don't hide this from your kids." and the lesson for kids is "It's not your fault and it's OK to feel whatever you're feeling -- just talk to your parents about it."

It's important, but I already knew that stuff.

There's this huge egg-shell dance around the cancer patient. It's understandable -- most of us are sustaining a tenuous equilibrium between undetonated emotional bomb and expressive explosion. No one wants to trip that wire.

The common message from everyone is to be forgiving of yourself. It's OK to be anything you want -- tired, grumpy, manic, active, sad -- and do what you need to do -- vent, exercise, sleep, cry, hide, watch movies...

And that's good advice.

I shared with a colleague at work that the thing I'm most afraid of is the mood swings coming with chemo fatique and the sudden onset of menopause. I told him I was sure I would go off on people.

He told me that was OK. I know he meant that he, and other adults in my life, would be patient and forgiving.

But the thing is, I'm not worried about going off on adults -- frankly, because I've got really great, forgiving, smart, funny people around me who will keep me in perspective.

I'm worried about going off on my kids.

That's not OK.

The sex brochure just gets right at it. You've got it all, complete with diagrams of your sexual organs and new positions to try with your partner. It's absolutely heterocentric in it's examples and pictures, but all kinds of sex are addressed with equal emphasis and detail. It's not shy.

I think what I'm looking for is a booklet on parenting that gets right at it like that.

"During chemo treatment, you might be fucking mean to your kids."

I ordered the kid's book Tickles Tabitha's Cancer-tankerous Mommy

Tabitha's mother is NOT cancer-tankerous. Tabitha's mother is a friggin SAINT. Tabitha's FATHER should have some sense knocked into him.

The story has Tabitha's mother, who is going through chemo, trying to get dinner ready, take care of two young children and manage phone calls and other interruptions. She's getting grumpy and making mad faces at her Tabitha's father -- who is sitting on his butt in front of the TV, asking Tabitha's mother to bring him a beer or something. I think he actually says something patronizing to her like "Oh, is somebody GRUMPY tonight?"

You don't need cancer to want to verbally rip that man a new asshole.

It's the whole noble cancer patient myth that gets in the way.

Why isn't there a book that says "Your mom might say something really mean and hurtful to you because she's tired, overwhelmed and sick. She doesn't mean it. She's probably really sad she said it. Here's what you can do...."

So today I made sure Delphine and I had some time alone. We were walking together to the fair at the local park. Together, we're trying to figure out what the book might look like.

Friday, October 10, 2008

National Coming Out Day

I live as a heterosexual woman and so, when I 'come out' I guess I'm coming out as an 'ally'. But the joy I experience in this new freedom I've been given for identity formation has reminded me that there's a lot more I could share in support of the diverse people who are my friends, colleagues and family members -- because I'm part of that diversity.

So, coming out:

Sexual Orientation: theoretical bisexual

Gender Identity: masculine female/femme male

I have had the dumb luck of never really feeling the need to go outside my relationship with my life-partner for, well, a myriad of things. Part of that dumb luck is linked to the fact he is who he is and I am who I am. That seems to work really well for us. (It helps that he has always been very sexually confident and competent. He's strong and flexible --physically, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.)

That doesn't mean I don't notice who I'm attracted to -- and that I don't enjoy those attractions -- on a strictly imaginative level.

I'm a theoretical bisexual.

I'm basically attracted to most of the people I work with. I have had the privilege of following my passions professionally. So I'm constantly surrounded by the kind of smart, perceptive, insightful people I find exciting, interesting and attractive. Compellingly attractive.

But every once in awhile, there's that person who pulls at you in a way that reaches down and tugs hard at that core place where admiration, sexuality, personality, and respect intersect.

Not counting my life-partner -- 5 people so far -- two women and three men.

Theoretical bisexual.

********************************************************

My internal gender identity feels so at HOME in this new body. I now LOOK like I FEEL inside.

I've been talking about the whole reconstruction option as if it were a practical matter of pain and inconvenience (It is, to some extent). I've been talking about it as if it were a decision about perceived social roles (It is, to a great extent. Boobs are socially significant.). I have talked about how this decision must be harder for some/other women because their breasts are more a part of their identity --

But I think my attitude has been a bit condescending and flippant. I've congratulated myself somehow for being 'stronger' than women who might care deeply about such an invasion on their selfhood.

Having a key piece of your sexual/gendered body removed should be disturbing. It should feel violent and invasive because it is.

I'm just lucky to be experiencing something that affirms and opens up my sense of self as a masculine female/femme male.

I feel freed. It's a joyful process for me.

And that realization helps me feel a new kind of concern and empathy for women who have to endure this process as a mutilation of their gender identities. For anyone who has to endure social or physical invasive interventions or restrictions that impact sexual or gender identity.

OK, it's hokey, but I feel like ending this with a cheer --

Let's work towards ending the debilitating constriction of selfhoods in our society by supporting National Coming Out Day!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Getting it off my chest

I love the social freedom of a flat chest.

Do I really gain any freedom with this flat chest? I've no idea. Heck, I'm so far into my own head that I imagined sucking noises when Dr. H pulled my drainage tubes out.

But here's my perception of my reality.

I can touch my chest without feeling weird. I can touch it anywhere!

I can walk around topless without feeling weird.

I can wear any top I want to and I don't have to worry about whether it will impact how people perceive me sexually.

I can hug men without worrying about either of us becoming aware of my boobs squished between us.

I can bend over and pick things up. I had to squat and reach before. I know that's better for my back, but it's not always easy -- because I have this tight achilles thing going on, I would very often fall backward on my butt in the process.

I can lean over students' desks and look at their work without fear that someone might get a look down my shirt.

And you know what? Both my husband and I think my lingerie still looks great on me.

BIG SMILE.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It's been a hard day's night -- and I've been workin' like...hmmm...

I'm falling asleep in my chair, while I sit here and type. If this suddenly digresses into a lot of repeating letters and gibberish, you'll know I've nodded off.

Today was GREAT!! Yesterday too. I loved being back at work, getting back in front of the classroom.

I can reach about 3/4 of the way up the whiteboard, so that's not too bad. I don't even think students noticed that I have limited arm movement.

I had my second drainage tube removed yesterday, so I'm feeling very free and mobile. I also had a great session of physical therapy this evening and that loosened me up a bit as well.

My physical therapist asked me if I was tired, since today was my first day back. I told her that I felt like I normally do after a work day -- and that was great!

Then I started thinking about the fact that Francois now does a lot of the things I used to do for the kids and house, I only taught one face-to-face class (when I usually teach three) and I have no committee or governance duties (when I usually have a lot). So uh, I can't even IMAGINE (let alone remember) how people go that fast!! My new slow pace feels so, well, NORMAL!!

There is a lot of pleasure in the kind of complete, whole body, physical tiredness I get with this post-surgery body. It's like sinking into a deep, comfortable sleep after a long, hard day of hiking.

I'm also feeling very full of love. I'll get corny on you all tomorrow -- but I've really enjoyed the hugs, the welcome back's and the genuine concern. What a great community of people to work among.

Time to sleep now.

(Big satisfied smile!)


p.s. Fun detail! I listened for that CSI fleshy sucky sound when Dr. H pulled out my drainage tube yesterday?... Didn't happen. I'm thinking I might have made that up about the first time. Lesson? I need a fact checker. Even with my own five senses (and the extra senses too...)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Getting too happy and busy to blog!!

I've been slowing down on my blogging because I'm starting to feel free to focus on other things.

I'm starting work again tomorrow! I did a FULL LOAD shopping run! I took the kids to school today and wandered around work saying high and giving out TMI tidbits (like, for example, I can warm my own hands on my chest now that I can't feel anything there! Very useful!)

And with all of this activity, my right drainage tube still stayed below 30 ml. Today that baby is coming OUT!

OK -- here's a VERY funny story. I have this book rep I really like at school. He's been around awhile and knows everybody pretty darn well. So he sees me and he starts talking to me about how hypoallergenic German Shepards are and that he's convinced his wife. He asks me where I think he could find some good dogs.

Hmmmm.... I have a female colleague who is a dog expert. She also has a trim, slim, athletic physique -- and, uh, flatter chest than I used to have...

"You think I'm XXXXX!!" I exclaim.

"Oh!" he stutters, "Oh...I'm so sorry!"

"Oh, no problem. It's the boobs. See? They're gone!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry!"

I never IMAGINED I'd be confused with someone else because of chest size!! How FUNNY!!

I've got a post-op appt with Dr. H today, physical therapy tomorrow and my chemo orientation on Thursday. I need to get some of these facts I'm collecting up here for you all. But gosh, offline life is so FUN right now.

Friday, October 3, 2008

TMI

I have too much to talk about -- and some of it might be gross.

BUT -- I want to try not typing at all until Monday and see if I can't get this right side to slow down on fluid production.

So you all will have to continue to wait until Tuesday for updates.

But a brief synopsis of this week:

What I learned from tube removal (Tuesday) : I've figured out that I was essentially skinned when they took my breasts off and the skin has healed back in some places and is still, well, kind of just sitting free over juicy juicy in other places. (Don't worry, that left side is, uh, feeling 'attached' now, thank you!!)

What I learned from my physical therapist (Wednesday) : Apparently they scrape your chest muscles pretty good to get as much potentially cancerous breast tissue out as possible. That must be why my chest is looking very skinny while the rest of my body is still, uh, comfortably PLUMP!! :-)

What I learned from my radiologist (Thursday) : Radiation targets the lymphatic pathways in your chest wall and armpit in order to chase down and destroy any cancer cells that might just be stuck there in that lymphatic highway system. (I had been wondering what radiation targeted if the tumors and lymph nodes were gone...now I know!)

Lots of discussion to be had on these topics -- too much to get into now.

I'm off with my family to visit my parents down in Eugene OR.

I'm looking great again -- My chest looks really good!! The scars look like they are going to be tiny.

You know what I love doing? I love getting out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist like a guy and walking around the house like that. It feels, I don't know, so liberating. And powerful.

(I can't wait to answer the door like that!)

Right side fluid stats:

Tuesday: 60 ml
Wednesday: 60 ml
Thursday: 75 ml (I was very active yesterday.)

Let's hear it for NO ARM USE until Monday and a 30 ml total by Tuesday.