Mellow and Happy

Having a sense again of the earth under my feet is a welcome feeling. I'm up with the sunrise this morning, sipping coffee, reading my newspaper and thinking about yesterday. I received a LOT of information from my oncologist and I'll include some of that further down, so if you're not interested in my storytelling (What? You mean MY self absorbed mental meanderings are NOT the highlight of your day??!) you can just skip down to the next entry.

Friday Morning

My snarling intolerance for cancer questions devolved into a slow boiling subconscious simmer of generalized impatience and irritability.

At breakfast Francois asks me some innocuous question about the car or the garbage or whatever and I give him a glare that could freeze boiling water.

"It's nice to have Suzy back!" He jokes.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" I snap (knowing full well what he means).

Delphine has been working very hard on her summer reading project, sponsored by the King County Library. She's been wanting me to bring her to the library to turn in her work. I needed to get a new battery for my cell phone, so I wanted to stop at Qwest. Since Qwest

(By the way, they do NOT carry batteries for their own cell phones!! I swear somehow I will find a way to punish them for this. They will suffer the vengeance of grouchy cancer woman and feel my pain. Boy will THEY be sorry when I finally decide on a family cell phone plan and I DON'T INCLUDE *THEM* Naa nah naa nah naaaaaa NAA! And here's a big fat raspberry for them: PPPBBLFFFTTSSSPPPFFFT!!!)

Ahem...Since Qwest is located near Taco del Mar and that's my kids' favorite resteraunt, we went there for lunch.

"Mom, do you LIKE having breast cancer?"

Then she gets out her angry eyes.

"Because sometimes you ACT like it."

So I explain to her how the stress effects me. I can get really hyper and overexcited, but then I can also get very grouchy and mean.

"How are you today?"

"I'm feeling pretty grouchy."

"Oh."

"Do you think I'm acting grouchy?"

"No, you're OK."

"Good. I'm trying really hard not to act grouchy."

Still, I just can't bring myself to walk kid slow. It's suddenly some sort of physical impossibility. If I do anything more at kid slow I'll EXPLODE. So I'm marching off in large, fast, long adult legged strides and defiantly refusing to look back for my kids as my poor daughter does some kind of crazy upright skipping side-stroke through the mall trying to keep up with me and simultaneously cajole her 3-year old brother into moving faster with little races and running games.

Thank GOD for parent friends!! The parents of Delphine's friends have literally saved my butt this week. DeNova, Kristy and Tara have been true Godsends. Taking both Paul and Delphine at a moment's notice and juggling them into their already very busy daily schedules has really helped Francois and I out. What a relief to be able to protect those cute kids of mine by simply placing them in their competent hands for a few hours.

So kids go to DeNova. Francois and I get in the car to drive to the CANCER CENTER. The CANCER CENTER is a very short mile from our house. Still, for some reason EVERY F***ING CAR in BELLEVUE needs to be ON THAT ONE MILE at THIS ParTICulAR MoMENT!

"I HATE that car! Why can't that CAR MOVE? Oh, the light is RED. I HATE that LIGHT! Maybe we should go the OTHER way around the block next time. Move OVER Now now NOW NOW or they won't let us in. I am SO GROUCHY. How can you LIVE with me? I can't STAND sitting in this CAR. Park park PARK now THERE THERE I have to get OUT of this CAR and WALK. Boy I need a WORKOUT! Am I BEING HORRIBLE Francois? I'm SO GROUCHY."

"You're fine."

He's genuine in his response. He means I'm not bugging him. I need that. I need to be with someone who knows me so well and has suffered so much at my moods over the last 18 years that this venting stuff really just doesn't faze him.

That's when I start mellowing out. It's a slow, easy descent.

I love you Francois.