Crush

I had the best pre-natal teacher. She taught each of us to figure out her own relationship with pain and then deal with it. For me, pain was really about a fear of the unknown. What strange dangerous thing is happening in my body to cause this sensation? Is it bad? How bad? I discovered that if I can understand the pain and what it means, it really doesn't bother me.

So with Delphine, it was a short but violent natural childbirth. Giving birth without medication was, for me, like being swallowed by a huge tube of toothpaste and squeezed. It was an intense sensation eminating from the outside in. Crushing me and reassuring me simultaneously.

"Is this Suzanne? This is Dr. M"

"Good morning Dr. M."

So he tells me that yes, indeed, the lymph and breast samples both contain abnormal cells.

"What does 'abnormal' mean?" I ask. I know, but I need to hear it.

Silence.

My heart starts fluttering. Warm, moist anticipation crushes my heart. (Is this some warped junior high school flushed and flustered dance experience?)

"It's breast cancer."

1990 "I want us to be serious," says 25 year-old Francois "I want us to date to find out if we want to get married."

The heart squeezing intensity of courageously naked emotional honesty.

I think I have a crush on Dr. M