Into the Woods

I was out of town from August 7th through August 15th. Camping with my family and visiting my best friend and her beautiful newly 1 year old baby was wonderful.

Two things stick out in my mind about this trip.

First, the idea of having breast cancer didn't really bother me much. When I thought about it or announced it to my family, it was a bit like announcing a new allergy or something. I'm not sure whether this is because I've done so much obsessing on this over the last seven years and have worked though a lot of stuff already or whether it's because this new intuition I have, that everything will FINALLY be alright, is just my new truth. It could also be that with my Dad's colon cancer, my sister-in-law's breast cancer, our friend's brain cancer and Francois' colleague's breast cancer, we just, well, done so much cancer now that it feels as common as an allergy!

I prefer to believe in my intuition.

Some who know me know that in addition to being very committed to the principles and ideals of academic research, including scientific research, I also have a thing with dreams. I'm not going to get too crazy here and share too much before you know me better, but let's just say that I've known I would get breast cancer for a long time. My first dream was August 2000. When the physical symptoms started for me in August of 2003 with a spontaneous nipple bleed from a single duct, I was shocked, but not surprised. My only surprise was that I had always thought it would be my LEFT breast, because my RIGHT breast was just so good at breast feeding. Go figure!

Diagnostic ultrasound and mammogram couldn't find anything. I couldn't get my breast to bleed again, so no galactogram.

I tend to know things about my body before they become clinical. When I became pregnant with Delphine, I happened to have an annual gyn exam scheduled. I told Dr. Anton I was pregnant. She gave me a blood test which said I wasn't. Sure enough, I was!

I also knew a full week before I had any symptoms that I had lost my first pregnancy. (Delphine was my second pregnancy.) It wasn't because of anything physical or clinically measurable...it was because I could feel a light, a presence, had left me.

So anyway, for the first time in seven years, I feel like I'm going to have a chance of seeing my children grow up. I no longer have this very certain feeling of dying young.

I trust my feelings and intuition.

The second thing that stands out is what I'll call the cancer ripple effect. Mom and I were talking one evening, out camping, about stupid things we've said to people who had cancer. Man, have I been there!! So when I finally publish my list of "Stupid things people say to people with cancer" it will be from the standpoint of someone whose been there and done worse. But I need to take some care here. I don't want people to feel bad -- but it is rather funny and ridiculous -- and a bit, uh, ouch. My brother-in-law Jerome has been an incredible model of how to handle people and *their* stuff with empathy and grace. He's who I will try to be through this.

So look for a list of do's and don't's for friends of people with cancer as an upcoming attraction! I'll start with my own faux pas. (Man, I'm blushing already!!)