Well, shit.

June 17, 2014 -- STAGE IV

NOTE TO SELF:  Don't plan so many activities for the end-of-the-quarter.  You never know when a stage IV cancer diagnosis is going to jump in and tangle things up.

Honestly, I'd always expected this diagnosis to be more disruptive than its been for me in the last 72 hours.  I suppose the shadow of recurrence never left and having it come out into the open just makes it more visible, not more scary.  (I know..scarier.  But I like the parallelism of 'more scary.')

There is so much to catch up on.  

The DOWNERS

• I've been living the aftermath of cancer, even if the disease hasn't been active in my body.  In the last ten years, I've witnessed the cancer deaths of my sister-in-law (2005), my then 11-year-old daughter's friend's father (2011), my own father (2009), our donor-son's mother (2010) and my cousin-in-law (2014).
• I've walked through stress and anxiety related disorders that have threatened the lives of those close to me, children and parents.
• My own PTSD and chemo brain and being generally fucked up.  I have not been the person I would like to be with others who are walking these difficult paths.  Distractability and memory issues combine with emotional repression and avoidance to create a pretty piss poor response to others close to me and in need.

The UPPERS

The DONOR family!

• Janis Hart, Medora Marisseau, Nancy Hart and James Hart  (BIG BIG HEARTS!)   
• Anne and Matt Markell
• L.E. and C.R.

INCREDIBLE LEVELS of:  Healing, Self-Actualization, Growth, Community, Connection, Authenticity, Honesty, Gratitude, Happiness, Love, Friendship, Collegiality, Strength

Details will follow, bit by bit.  I am hoping I will have a lot of time to update you.  But I will leave you, today, with this:

If never getting cancer would have meant never having these positive experiences (especially meeting the donor family),  I am very grateful to cancer.