Self-Absorbed??!! Let me tell ya...

Immediately after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I reminded myself daily that every single person was going to be impacted by this differently, they would have their own journey, and their journey might very easily be more difficult than mine.

This person’s reaction is not about me.

This person’s reaction is not about me.

This person’s reaction is not about me.

The incantation formed a magic shield to ward off clumsy… well, what? The verb that comes to my mind is ‘strikes’. And then I have to think ‘strikes at what?’

I think I’ve finally figured out that answer. Every person’s response to my cancer felt like a strike against my potential/real/imagined identity.

Each attempt to share this with me – or worse, to support me through this, was delivered in a contextual frame that mirrored back to me how this person might be perceiving me.

I don’t WANT to be those Suzy’s I see reflected in those mirrors!!!!

I’m irritated at these people trying to support me.

And when I figure that out, I let myself actually *look* at the gifts that I have received so far.

One friend has given me A Long Way Home by Ishmail Beah. My defensive response is – how on EARTH would having cancer make me want to read about how horrible and malicious life can be to some children in our world!? But when I think about this book and the person who gave it to me, I realize that she tends to deal with hard times by reminding herself how lucky she is compared to so many others in this world. Her gift is to share her way of coping.

Another friend has given me The Life of Pi. It’s a reflection of her quiet belief in the truly worldly magic of God and faith.

My mother has just sent me a BIG box of pink M&M’s. Half of the M&M’s have a picture of my head on them. The other half have ‘We love you Suzy’ written on them. A mother’s love needs to be consumed.

You know, honestly, I’m not going to read the books I’ve received so far. I’ve been pawning off the pink Suzy-head M&M’s to my daughter and her friends as fast as I feel I can as a responsible parent.

But I value these gifts now instead of being threatened by them. I can see them as windows into the generous hearts of my friends and family instead of mirrors on me.

I can simply treasure the gift of being allowed to see how special the people around me are.

The lesson reads like a no brainer for most folks I suppose. But I guess I needed to learn it.